I like to say, “Yes”. It feels great to say “Yes”! Well, most of the time it feels great to say yes. Sometimes, saying “yes” to something can result in us walking away feeling foolish, resentful, or annoyed. Why you ask? Let’s talk about what happens when you just say yes to everything.
A Conversation without Boundaries
A friend asks, “Can you watch my kids?”
“Yes, I can.”
Another person asks, “Can you bring a dessert to the event tonight?”
You check your schedule and reply, “Why, yes I can.”
More favors and requests come pilling in. “Can you pet sit for me?”
“Yes, I can do that.”
“Can you be our PTO president?”
“Yes, I think I can manage that.”
“Can you give me a kidney?”
“Hold on, do you need another kidney?”
“No, not yet, I just want to have one on hand in case I need one. Also, if it’s no trouble could you give me your first-born child?
“Wait, what?”
Feelings of “burn-out” or resentment typically arise when we agree to do something that goes against some unconscious or conscious limit. Of course, having boundaries in our lives doesn’t mean we never agree to anything that stretches us or is a sacrifice. Along this vein, we do not merely give out our “Yeses” flippantly without thought. We think it through and decide if the request is something we are willing and wanting to do with an open heart. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend wrote book called, “Boundaries”. This book helped me take control of my life and now when I say “Yes”, it’s a whole hearted, emphatic “yes”.
Boundaries
Have you ever felt pressure to go to a restaurant you couldn’t afford or attend a family reunion that really stretched your budget? There are times our relationships with people can cloud our judgment and we make choices that don’t exactly match our circumstances. Our circumstances do not control our lives but we definitely have to consider them to make wise decisions. I’m going to share how boundaries have changed my life for the better. Sit back and get ready for your mind to blown!
Financial Boundaries
One of the most important things I have learned during our financial journey is that “money management is 80% behavior and 20% head knowledge.” Meaning, controlling our finances successfully depends greatly on our attitude and our choices. Once we decided to get out of debt we simultaneously decided that we were going to not only take control of our money, but also our life. Prior to this journey, there were many times I felt like my circumstances determined my choices. Although, circumstances do play a role in success, it does not automatically mean we are doomed due to our unfortunate circumstances.
The Ability to Choose is a Gift and We should Use it!
Ah Choice, it’s a wonderful thing, no? Because we have the ability to choose, we can essentially choose how our life goes. This is where boundaries comes into play. As life would have it, there are going to be loads of financial choices we will make: purchasing a car, clothing, home, insurance, vacations, millions of stuff animals for your kids (how on earth did we get so many!) and so on. A budget is a literal boundary for your purchases. Namely, it tells you what you can and can’t afford. When we cross that boundary, our financial choices can lead to feelings of overwhelm, discontent, frustration or even desperation.
Find more about how I budget here!
My Post on building Funds is another one you won’t want to miss!
On the flip side, if we use our budget as a boundary, we can feel a sense of control and peace. Sure, we may miss out on certain vacations, restaurants, fun items, or even extended family events. But (and it’s a big but) when we do agree to something, you can be totally present, not worrying about the cost, and merely enjoying the fruits of your wise financial decision.
Faith and Boundaries
My one caveat to this whole thing, if you feel God is directing you to do something that stretches your boundaries, you should definitely consider it. Sometimes, I feel our Father in Heaven asks us to do things that don’t make sense in the moment. With this in mind, I don’t think it’s wise to go “boundary crazy” and put up a wall between you and God. I do believe God wants us to really think about our choices because our ability to choose is a gift. As a result, using boundaries in your life may not look the same for everyone and it may not always seem logical.
The Book: Boundaries
The book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud, is a perspective altering book. It really helped me draw healthy boundaries within all of my relationships. He teaches how to establish healthy boundaries with our work relationships, marital, friendships, extended family and boundaries between parents and their children. All the while, he teaches these principles with a Christian backdrop, drawing examples from the Bible. Essentially, he suggests that Christ has taught us how to use boundaries in our lives.
Check out Dr. Henry Cloud’s Website!
What does it mean to create Boundaries?
In the beginning of the Book, Dr. Cloud describes a very relatable illustration of what a boundary-less person’s day would look like. The person constantly would say “yes” to every request, going through the motions. Sometimes, feeling treated like a door mat and at the end of the day felling exhausted and resentful. All the while, feeling they were doing the right things, saying the right things. Yet they were very unhappy.
We have heard that when we are in service of others, we find true happiness. But that only can come when your heart is the right place and you are doing the good acts because you want to. You’ve weighed it out in your mind and made a calculated decision. I am naturally a “Yes” person. My heart wants to do all the good things but the truth is, it’s impossible. And when I have tried… I felt similar to the aforementioned boundary-less person.
The Good Samaritan
Dr. Cloud mentions the story of the Good Samaritan. The Samaritan helped the injured man, brought him to safety, made sure he would be cared for and then left to his other engagements. Now, Dr. Cloud analyzes this story for us. The good Samaritan could have decided to stay until the injured man got better. Perhaps, it would risk making his own life more complicated. But he chose to do the good he could do without putting himself in jeopardy. Sure, it would have been extremely kind if he would have stayed but it wasn’t necessary to do so. What we see in this story is that his generosity had limits. Our generosity has limits. I’m not saying never stretch yourself. In actuality, using boundaries will enable you to be above and beyond generous. You can give without feeling guilt and resentment.
Boundaries in the Work Place
There will be people in the work place that will try to get away with shirking their responsibilities on others. By the way, someone who does this, definitely has boundary issues. Consequently, they will often try to push their own agenda onto others. They don’t see boundaries, they see an opportunity to jump in your lap and they start redecorating your living room. One way to help those who have a hard time detecting boundaries, is kindly but firmly declare your limits. Dr. Cloud suggests that if you feel like your constantly picking up the slack for someone and hate it, just stop. Speak with them, get right to the point and explain that you won’t be able to help with their project. Bam, Boundary!
Boundaries in Marriage
Guys, marriage is wonderful but it’s hard. We all come into marriage with these expectations and feel resentful when they are not met. Because, hello… our spouse should be able to read our minds, right? Josh and I took a marriage class a few years ago to help strengthen our marriage and it was very helpful. I realized I expected Josh to always say “yes” to me. At the time, I didn’t know this about myself but let’s just say I learned a lot about myself during that class.
So, here is a tidbit of advice that helped immensely. When we are asking something of our spouses, we can give them a priority rating when we ask them. For example, if something is of extreme importance give it a 10 rating but if it’s not that important go with a 6 or 7 level of importance. This way, your partner can better make a decision that will make everyone happy. Just because we love our spouse does not mean we have to do everything they say. You are supposed to come together in marriage but you are still an individual and need to communicate what you are comfortable with.
Building Healthy Expectations within our Extended Family
Extended family, albeit wonderful, can test your boundary-making skills like you wouldn’t believe! Many times, we treat the love in our families like an iron clad business contract. ” I love them. So, if they ask me a favor, it means I say yes, because I love them.” Although, this isn’t a horrible thing, it can lead to underlying resentment in the family. Every person, when they reach adulthood, will have different external and internal circumstances that effect their decisions. As a loving family we need to accept that. On that note, we also can’t take it personally. If someone can’t go on the family reunion to Disneyland, then we need to realize their decision wasn’t a personal attack on the family. It was just a choice.
How to Say “No” to Family!
It can be so hard saying “No” to family. As mentioned earlier, just remember to be clear and kind. Often, we think that we are being clear enough and our family members can merely “read between the lines” but unfortunately that’s not how humans operate. We may think our vague responses spell things out perfectly but the person we may be communicating with, may feel quite the opposite. Further more, the real difficulty with sharing our boundaries clearly is that we have to own our feelings.
Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
Sometimes the expectations we have for ourselves can cause us a lot of grief. For instance, you might tell yourself that a good sister will always be there for her sibling. That’s is a great expectation to have for yourself but life isn’t always cut and dry. What do you do if your sibling has a major drug addiction, infractions with the law and asks you for $10,000? You may think that if you don’t give the $10,000 that you’re violating that expectation you have set for yourself. Perhaps you worry that if you don’t help in that way that your family will think that you are a horrible person. As a result, we feel the pressure to help in a way that’s enabling bad behavior, instead of really “being there” for your family. Establishing healthy Boundaries is a way to love your family.
Owning Your Choices
“I don’t want people to think I’m …”, is a statement I have said and hear people say all the time as they are struggling with choices. Isn’t interesting that we base our choices on what other people will think, knowing that we actually have no control over other people’s opinions. In our world today, someone could think Mother Theresa was selfish. People will have their opinions of us regardless of what we do. Sure, if your kind, most people will probably agree but that’s not always the case. In no way, is all of this a walk in the park. Specifically, we have to look in the mirror and own our choices. In addition, we have to recognize that some people’s opinions of us may clash with with our personal view. In the end, we can only try our best to treat people well while also considering our circumstances and feelings.
Enjoy this video! Getting out of debt is the worst but it’s also really awesome.
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